“Batman’s Back”

Solid “D” rating. It was so poor, were it not for performances by Michael Caine and Joseph Gordon Levit it would be an “F”.

Gosh I knew there was a reason it took so long for me to see it.

I hope that creepy review guy who youtube reviewed Menace and Avatar will do Batman: the Dark Knight Rises. Somehow this film gets a 4.5 stars on IMDB? (remind me not to trust IMDB scores.)

On a long drive, a few of us tried to think of one memorable part of the film and came up with almost nothing. We recounted how towards the last half of the film we all began mocking it. I kept hearing how great “Princess Diaries”  was as Catwoman. I questioned the casting of Hathaway from the start. She was no Ertha Kit or even Lee Meriwether and though sultry, was hardly feline. Do these people read the internet? In an age of supra catism, this is a travesty. Anne Hathaway brought interest too a boring, disjointed, film. Think about that considering the cast. Okay ‘ll stop harping on her and focus on the other blunders with bulletpoints:

• At some point almost everyone knew Bruce Wayne was Batman. Yet he still used that stupid voice. No one said “Dude, you can cut that act.”?

• The film felt like injecting star power was supposed to make up for an aweful script and plot.

• The only thing now worse than Bale’s fake batman voice, was Bane’s Sean Connory/Triumph The Insult-Comedy Dog voice. Ridiculous.

• His bat suit was frumpy.

• Bale’s intermittant facial hair was weird and distracting.

• Most of the film Bale has this confused/duckface look.

• The bridge scene was redics. “If you take one step on that bridge we will shoot in the air, if you take two steps we will shoot you, if you take three steps you start over, if you take four you must do the hokey pokey & shake it all about.” They then after several steps shoot several rounds around JoeGo without shooting as promised & blow up on odd sliver of bridge that could likely be jumped across. WooHoo stopped those children.

• The prison scene was redics. Really? He fractured his spine and it was fixed with a rope? But he kept climbing and falling on that same broken back? GAHHH! (We imagined the prisoners were chanting “Fries” as he attempted escape to entertain ourselves.)

• Commisioner Gordon, played by Gary Oldman, is the least liked role of any character he has ever played. Mousey and weird. I wish he fell through the ice.

• Matthew Modine’s character was boring. In the final scene his pistol runs out of ammo, and he pulls the slide back as if that reloads an automatic hand gun. (He would need to put in a clip.)

• The shell game about the fusion core bomb that became “a time bomb” was redics.

I can’t go on. I mean I could, but I won’t. Even the Batman gear was uninteresting.  What was that stupid light canon that looked like a Sharper Image camping light when he was on the motorcycle?

The one redeeming line that entertained me: Cillian Anderson as “Scaercrow” (who oddly shows up as the sentencing judge in the people’s “court”) gives the option of “death or exile?”, and when Gordon chooses death, Scarecrow smirks “…death by exile.”

One line.

If you don’t see one film from 2012, don’t see ‘Batman’s Back”.